The Glass Child: Siblings of Children with High Needs
As parents, we try to treat our children equally: equal time, equal gifts, equal boundaries, equal affection. Despite our best intentions, this is not always possible in practice.
For families of children with special needs, this goal may be outright impossible. Siblings of children with high needs grow up with challenges their peers don’t face and might not understand. The term “glass child” has been used to describe how these children might sometimes feel invisible as parents work to meet the needs of their sibling.
TPP parents Mike and Mindy Brown have experienced this challenge first-hand.
“The time we spend on our high needs child very clearly eats away at time spent as a family and with his siblings,” Mindy said. “We do our best to be intentional, but it is just not always feasible. The reality is, these high needs children get more time, energy, and resources than their siblings.”
Emily Stocking, TPP licensed professional counselor, states that siblings of children with special needs often feel pressured to love and care for their sibling, while also experiencing some level of resentment.
“Sometimes this pressure is real,” she explained. “However, it is often a perceived pressure because everyone else in their life is so focused on the special needs child. Many of them also don’t believe they can tell their parents how they are feeling, either because of how the parent might respond or because they don’t want to burden their parent any more.”
So how can parents help their “glass child” feel seen?
Keep Communication Channels Open
“I think it is critical for parents to create a space for children to communicate how they’re feeling,” Emily recommended. “Parents can role model the behavior themselves by openly communicating their own frustrations or disappointments to normalize the feelings.”
Mindy feels that communication has been key for her family. “Have family meetings where each child is free to voice their frustrations and feelings and shout out the wins they had with their sibling that day,” she suggested. “We often talk through what our special needs child is going to be doing that day and ask the siblings what they feel comfortable helping with and what they want to avoid. Talking it through seems to help us all have a plan and be comfortable with our responsibilities.”
It may be helpful to provide your child more than one communication option.
“I strongly recommend creating a journal with your child,” Emily said. “Explain to your child that it will be a special place for you guys to write or color back and forth, with no rules or expectations. After getting the journal, the parent should initiate by writing a note or coloring a picture and then leave it in a place for the child to find. This can be an excellent way for kids to express themselves without the pressure of talking.”
Keep Everyone Involved, With Boundaries
“From the beginning of therapy sessions with our high needs child, the other siblings were able to attend sessions as well,” Mindy said. “We would often watch to learn how to interact or communicate with the high needs child. I try to include them in anything possible.”
It is important to recognize that siblings will need time to themselves or time to decompress, and Emily recommends that parents should model these coping strategies verbally. This could sound like: “This week has been very difficult for me. I am going to go for a walk to help clear my mind. Would you like to come with me?”, or “Goodness, my mind is overwhelmed with things. I’m going to sit down and color for a little bit. If you want to join me you’re welcome to!”.
Focus on Quality of Time Rather Than Quantity
While a high needs child may receive a greater quantity of time than their siblings, it is possible to make sure the time spent with each child is meaningful.
“There is research supporting that if a child is given 30 minutes a week of focused time during which they decide how to use the time and lead the play without the parent making suggestions, asking questions, and or setting limits other than for safety, this can make a ‘life changing difference’ for the child,” Emily explained. “The beauty of this is that it doesn’t require a ton of effort on the parents’ part, other than showing up for 30 minutes and letting the child lead.”
Celebrate Differences
Although it certainly comes with challenges, growing up with a special needs sibling comes with positives as well!
Mindy feels her family has learned many valuable lessons as they juggle the ups and downs of life with a high needs child.
“Our family has learned empathy,” she explained. “Our children have learned that communication doesn’t have to have words. Our children have learned that different is not less. Our children have learned to stand up and speak out for their own needs as well as the needs of others around them. Our children have learned life can be hard, but it is how you face that challenge that shows your character.”
Although she admits that her family is not perfect and there are daily struggles, she says they try to face each of those challenges with love and determination.
“The siblings of our special needs child aren’t getting a ‘normal’ life,” she said. “Instead, they are growing up with a ‘different is not less’ mindset and are able to take that into their daily lives outside of our home.”
By: Amy Wolcott, M.S. CCC-SLP